Sometimes I wonder..

Sometimes, I should just stop wondering.

Isn't it funny, how quickly things change.?

Once again, everythings totally different than I thought it would be. Me and Brendan are like..talking and stuff, I guess working our way back to being together again. Who knows when we'll ever actually get there, boys gonna take his sweet time. I keep having these dreams about us dating and then I wake up and Im just like cause really.? Stop being creepy brooke.
Ehh. Forrest is telling me to be cautious and careful and now just dive into this with Brendan, he's so afraid I'm gonna get hurt again. I dont know, I trust Brendan not to hurt me again,. I dont think he will, lets see if he proves me wrong. O:<
I read my last post and laughed. It was easy to be done with Rachel but when will I ever be done with Brendan.? When I'm dead.? There's just something about that kid, it gets under my skin. I cant forget him, and I dont really want to. I love him D:
Sometimes I really dont know what to think about him though. he can be so mean and so judgemental and just make me feel like total shit, yet Id still rather be talking to him then any other person in the world. I guess thats love for ya. I just really wish he'd stop treating me like that. He says he does it so I wont get all up on him about dating and bs, but I wouldnt do that if he were nice. I wont do that at all, because Im too afraid to get rejected by him. Were doing this on his timeline, not mine. It wouldnt hurt him to treat me like he cares about me more then just every couple days, and to stop treating me like shit the rest of the time. I know he doesnt have to be that way, I mean as far as Im concerned, that isnt even the real Brendan. The real Brendan is the sweet, sensitive emotional one I fell in love with. The one with all the rascist jokes and the silly laugh, and who blushes, and actually cared about whats going on in my life. Thats the real Brendan, and maybe hes gone, but Ill still always remember him. Thats my brendanbearh.<3

What is heartbreak, if you dont even have a heart.?

Bahahah, Brendan was the worst thing to ever happen to me, and he is also the best thing that ever happened to me c: He brought alot into my life, that wouldnt be there otherwise, and for that i am thankful. I suppose I'm glad to know what love is, and what its like to love someone unconditionally, but i am SO done with him and Rachel xD It aint even worth it anymore. Id rather be hardhearted and unloving, then in pain and chasing after people who arent coming back, or just flat out will never be mine :) So over it.

Every time i turn around, theres another heartbreak.

'I believe in myself because if a soul as pure and beautiful as he can love me and believe in me, then obviously i have more to offer the world then i first believed.,<3'

When i look at you, you make me want to be a better person. You make me want to love and trust and forgive. You make me want to let grudges go and make friends out of enemies. You make me want to put smiles on peoples faces. You make me want to bring as much happiness to other people as you bring to me. I love you BrendanTylerMaxwell<3 We have problems, things to fix, ALOT of things you need to work on, but in the end, nothing changes how i feel about you.

Does fear manifest differently person to person.? I really cant say. Fear manifests itself for me, as a pit of freezing cold dread. Like ice cold water flowing from my chest into my stomach, and it just fills my stomach and makes it impossible to breathe. It brings tears to my eyes, and unanswerable questions to my mind. It cripples me in a matter of seconds. What am i so afraid of.? Brendan. Im afraid of Brendan. Im afraid of him "losing his motivation" again, saying that im his burden again, that he's just single with restrictions, that he isnt having any fun anymore. It hasnt even been a week.

I had this dream last night. Me, Brendan, and all of our friends were at some party, and he was shirtless for some reason.? And dancing with a bunch of people, and completely ignoring me. When i asked him why, he said i wasnt fun enough for him anymore. That spending time with me wasnt fun and he wasnt happy with me anymore. I suppose this dream came from how scared i am of losing him like last time i grounded. Im absolutely terrified. :\

Ive never been so scared of anything in my life. I love him so much, i cant lose him again. I messed up, and i feel like shit about it. There will never be a time when i dont feel guilty and like the worst girlfriend in the world, and im gonna do whatever i can to keep him with me, but oh god, how im terrified. What if he leaves me again. What if he doesnt come back.

Pretending. Faking. Showboating. It all means the same thing. The more you pretend that your okay, the less okay you become. The more you smile, and play the submissive while secretly crying at night and checking your phone every five minutes for a call you know you arent getting, the more broken you become. The sickening thing is, you can hear yourself breaking inside. You can feel your pleasant facade cracking under pressure, your smile falling apart. You can feel yourself drifting farther and farther apart from the people you love most, the people who know you best. The people you need the most, the ones you cant live without. You become less yourself, more like an empty shell of your former self. And what saves you.? Love does, unless of course, its love that put you in this situation to begin with.

Tell me, if i had left you and made plans to go off with another guy, would you have forgiven me for it.? No, you wouldnt have. But i forgave you. And then when you left me AGAIN, and made plans to go sleep with another girl, i forgave you again. You crushed my heart, twice, and i forgave you, no questions asked. If i told you fuck you, fuck off, &go the fuck away, all the time, would you have gotten mad.? Yes, you would have. You wouldve been furious. I never got mad. I forgave you, and never gave you hell for it. Never held you accountable for it. If i told you all those horrible things, and made you feel like death warmed over, would you have automatically forgiven me for it.? I did that for you. I forgave you, without even putting up a fight. If i purposely did things that i Knew you were uncomfortable with and things that i Knew hurt you, would you have forgiven me for it.? Would you have let me get away with it.? Hell no, you wouldnt have. Youd have fought with me about it, you wouldve been angry at me, and i wouldve given in to make you happy. But i just let you get away with it. When people asked why i let you get away with so much, why i let you stay at other girls houses, go to parties and shit without me, when it hurt me and made me uncomfortable, i defended you. Told them they were wrong, stopped talking to them because they just didnt understand. Didnt understand that thats what you wanted, and i did whatever you wanted. When i was throwing my entire self into making our relationship work, and you were barely even paying attention, i made excuses for you. I blamed myself for your lack of interest, lack of motivation. I got skinnier, and tanner for you. Started eating healthier for you. Did whatever i thought would you make more interested, more attracted, more invested in making us work. Do you think it was easy.? Do you think it wasnt hard to forgive you for all of that.? You dont think i struggled with dealing with all of that.? You broke my heart, Twice. But i forgave you for everything, because i loved you and i was determined to make it work. No matter what you did to me, i loved you and thought the world of you. I stood by you through Everything. I was determined to stick it out, no matter what happened. I did everything i could to that affect.. And the really sick thing is, the entire time i was doing all of that and so much more for you.. I thought i was being selfish. I thought i was asking too much of you, that my expectations were too high and thats why i kept getting disappointed. I was absolutely convinced that it was all my fault. That i wasnt good enough, that i wasnt trying hard enough. Im not perfect, but oh, how i tried to be. I tried to be exactly what you wanted, and i did EVERYTHING for you. No other girl wouldve taken everything you dished out, wouldve forgiven you for all the shit you pulled, excused all the pain you caused. No other girl wouldve loved you enough to do so much for you, to try so hard to make you happy. Yet the moment things get tough, you run away. You walked away from me the moment things werent happy-go-lucky anymore. The first real, big mistake i made, you left me. Left me to deal with a citation, a courtdate, grounding all by myself. You broke my heart for the third time, because you dont know how to stick it out. You promised me forever, promised me we would get married one day.. Marriage vows- for worse or for better, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Marriage means being totally in love and happy to be together when things are great, and being totally in love and happy to be together when things are horrible too. It means wanting to be together through thick and thin, thats what love is. You cant love someone and magically not want to be with them anymore. I know you love me. I know your a great guy. And i know we could make it, if you would just stick it out. If you would just learn to love our relationship enough to stay when things get rough. If you wouldnt give up on me. On us.

In love there is sacrifice, but i should not have sacrificed SO much, while you sacrificed SO little. While you sacrificed nothing at all. I should have not have had to come second to your friends, and your drugs, and your partying. I gave up marching band for you, i gave up my spot on the debate team for you, i gave up friends for you, i gave up freedoms for you, and so much more, while you wouldnt even give up spending the night at girls houses for me. Something that you didnt truly care about, at all. My feelings should not have mattered less then whatever you wanted to do at that given moment. I should have been your number one, as you were always my number one. You should have given me so much more then you did the last three months. I deserved more, i deserved better. I never said a word though, because i believed it would be selfish. That asking you to change, would be asking too much. But it wasnt, and i shouldve demanded change. But instead, i accepted it. I dealt with feeling unimportant and secondbest, i took all the cussing and yelling, i kept the pain to myself. And i shouldnt have. I should have let you know how badly you were treating me, because you obviously werent going to realize it on your own. But i love you, and i know we can make it work. We could solve all of that, we could get through everything, if you just wanted me enough to do so. If you just wanted to be with me, even when things go wrong. Things happen in life, stuff goes wrong, you have to be able to stick it out when that happens. I love you so much. You can be SUCH an amazing guy, a wonderful friend, an absolutely perfect boyfriend. Before the feild thing, you were so amazing to me. We hardly ever fought, you took care of me, you always put me first, my feelings were always put first, you never took advantage of me or the things i did for you, you never treated me badly, you never wouldve left me or wanted anyone else. I know that guy is still in there. You just need to let him out again.

Promises, promises. You said you would never do this to me again, you would never hurt me like this again. You said you loved me and only wanted me. You said i was your world, that i was your everything,. Was that all lies.? It couldnt have been. I know you, theres no way all thats gone. It cant be..

You make me think of Emily. From everything you told me about her, you remind me of her. Its like the last three months, you turned into her and i turned into you. You treat me the way she treated you, you speak to me and cuss at me and yell at me the way she did to you, and i just take it because i love you, while it slowly breaks me down. Sometimes i think i should never have fallen in love but i know that isnt true. In all reality if given the choice, i would go back and do it all over again. But what i really really want, is a fresh start with you. A new beginning, to make things great with us again. Dont you want that.? Dont you want all the happiness we used to have, for things to be as wonderful as they used to be.? We can have that again. No, everything wont be exactly the same, but we can have that again. We can have that happiness, that trust, that kindof relationship. We can have it all again, if only your willing to try. Willing to stick it out, to be the amazing guy i fell in love with instead of this emotionless partyboy who only cares about what he wants. You were everything to me. You were my closest friend, the most important person in my life, the person who knew me best,. That didnt have to end, and it wouldnt have if you hadnt walked away. And now youve walked away from me again, but we can stil fix this. We can. There are times when i feel so pathetic and stupid, because i want you back so much, and you made me feel as if i was the last girl on Earth that you wanted to be with. I feel like im just making a fool out of myself by wanting to work things out and get back to what we had, but i know if i could just make you want to try as much as i do, things would be wonderful again. I know that we could have it all back, all the happiness and love and friendship and trust we shared. I know things would work out..Tell me love, what changed you.? I know it started after the feild thing, but thats not what actually changed you because if it was, i wouldve changed too. Feelings, motivation, all of that would have changed for me too. Something inside of you changed. So what changed.? What drove you to treat me so horribly and hurt me so badly, so many times.? What made you disregard my feelings and take advantage of all i did for you.? What showed you what words to say to destroy me so effectively.? What changed you from the amazing, caring, sweet boy i fell in love with into the cold emotionless individual who killed me.? Because, you didnt physically do anything, but you killed me just as surely as if you had put a loaded gun to my head and pulled the trigger.

After everything we have together, everything we shared, everything i did for you, how the HELL could you give up on us so easily.?Didnt it mean more to you then that.? What did i do to make you decide i wasnt worth it.? What did i do to make you not want to be with me.? Why am i not enough.?

Semi-permanent state of being.

I am so tired, of being alone. I am so tired of coming home to this hell house, never knowing when ill be able to be happy again, when ill get another break. The term "fun" is practically foreign to me these days.

:| stupid..?

I think another reason that i never really tell you when i want things, well things like if i wanted you to come over or walk to me or something, its not just that im afraid of disappointment. I think its also that i want you to do it just to make me happy. Like, if im feeling really depressed, one night and you have teh ability to, i want you to offfer to walk to me to make me feel better. Or if i really miss you and im having a bad day, offer to come over for a little while to cheer me up. I want you to do things like that, without me having to ask you i guess,. Maybe thats too much to ask for, i really dont know.

Did you know..?

Did you know that everytime you spend the night at a girls house without me, no matter what girl, or who's there with you, i cry myself to sleep that night.? Do you know that everytime you choose your friends or the mall or something over me, i get so depressed i can barely talk.? Did you know that every morning i wake up and spend at least five minutes thinking how lucky i am to have you.? Did you know that i try to analyze everything i do and everything i say, so i dont make mistakes anymore.? Did you know that everytime your hanging out with everyone and making great memories with them, i cry because i feel like the more memories you make with them, the less we have together.? Did you know that everytime you talk about all your inside jokes and good times when im around, i feel so left out i just want to crawl under a rock and hide.? Did you know that i miss you, even when your with me, because it still feels like MY Brendan is lost somewhere inside you.? Did you know that everytime you do something without me, i feel a little bit farther apart from you.? Did you know, that i know most of this isnt your fault and i would never in a million years blame you for it, but it still kills me inside.? Did you know that i feel horribly pathetic and whiny because i feel these things.? Did you know that everytime i get jealous, i feel like teh worst girlfriend in teh world.? Did you know that everytime i ask you to come over or do something with me, i have to build up to it for hours because im so afraid so inconvenience you.? Did you know that majority of the time when i want to see you, i cant even bring myself to ask you, because im afriad youd rather be somehwere else, somewhere funner because i cant do hardly anything anymore.? Did you know that no matter how uncomfortable or sickened something makes me, i try to hold it all in because i dont want you to think im controlling you.? Did you know that i worry all the time about whether im too clingy.? Did you know i will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.? I love you with all my heart, i know you know that.

Because im trying, maybe a little Too hard.

When i look back on it, its never THAT big of a deal, but when i set my hopes on something and i get letdown, it just affects me so much. Disappointment has the bitterest taste. Once the tears start falling, i cant stop them. Like two little waterfalls pouring down my face. I wish i could just settle for things, or hang out with my friends instead of him. I wish i wasnt so damn sensitive all the time. I cry over so many stupid pointless things that he probably never even gives a second thought too. Like choosing his friends over me. I mean it sounds bitchy, but he can see his friends ANY time. He hardly sees me at all. I dont know. Im just dumb.

Item.

understood everything you said about why things dont bother you, dont depress you, you dont cry over things etc. But i truly wish you werent that way. I want you to come to me when your breaking down, not deal with it alone. I want you to feel something when im crying, i want you to try and make me feel better, not just say okay and try to change the subject. I want to spill my heart to you, and i want you to spill your heart to me too. I dont want anger to be the only thing you feel. I dont want to and will never hurt you, but the fact that nothing i can do or say even CAN hurt you, hurts me. It may not be true, but it makes me feel like im not important enough to get a reaction out of you. That im not important enough to stir your emotions. I dont ever want you to be depressed over me, or to cry over me, but i want you to be ABLE to,. if that makes sense. I dont want you to be untouched all the time, i want you to FEEL. When we fight, your either angry or perfectly fine. I dont want it to be like that. When you make me feel bad or something, i dont want you to be totally untouched by that. Your emotion are SUPPOSED to be stirred when you do that. When im crying my eyes out, your supposed to feel sympathy and love and try to make me feel better instead of acting like it doesnt matter. You speak of everytime you get hurt, you get a little more numb..Well everytime you dont feel anything at all, it hurts me. ALOT. It makes me feel totally unimportant to you, like my feelings dont matter, like im not one of your priorites at all. Im sure thats not true and im not assuming it is or anything, but thats how it makes me feel. I cry more over the fact that you dont care that im crying then i do over whatever i was originally crying about. Everytime you totally dont care about something i do, say, feel, my heart sinks down to my feet. I want you to care about what i do and say, and care about how i feel. I want to make you happy, and make you smile and laugh. I want you to do the same for me. I want you to come to me when your upset, or depressed, or crying, and i want to be able to go to me. I want to reconnect with you, i want us to find eachother again.

Everytime you make fun of me, or be really sarcastic with me, it hurts me too. There are other ways you could handle it when i dont get something and say something silly, you dont have to make me feel dumb. That just brings me so far down. I always do my best to lift you up, and i just want you to do the same,. I know your a physical person, and we dont get to see eachother as much as we once did, but i dont want you to pull away from me. I dont want you to fall out of love with me, i want you to be completely fallen for me. I want to be the closest person in the world to you, and you to me. I want us to both put in 100% all of the time, and things will be so great. I dont want to miss you anymore. And i dont mean, i miss seeing you and stuff. I mean of course i miss you in that way, but i mean, i dont want to miss MY Brendan. I dont want to miss the boy who did everything he could to make me smile, who never brought me down, who i felt like i could go to with absolutely everything, who always made me happy when i was crying. I know that boy is still in there, and you said you found your motivation. So be that boy again. We will both be so much happier. <3. Im so deeply in love with you. I just want everything to be wonderful with us again. I know things are stressed and whatnot, but they still dont have to be like this. We can still be close and whatnot. I want to have heart to hearts with you, and tell you every single thing that comes into my mind. I want us to be truly best friends as well as soulmates. And we can be, we can have all of this and so much more together. I love you baby.

Id rather die.

You can call me immature, tell me im being dumb, get mad at me, whatever. It wont change how i feel. And what i feel at this given time, is totally fucking destroyed. Its one in the morningg, and he's at her house, rolling. Who knows whats happening,. I feel so sick to my stomach, and im crying so hard. Ive been crying all day long. Did he even stop to think about what this would do to me.? Does he realize that i am completely broken, all because i want him to be happy. Single life, what the fuck. I have given absolutely everything i have to him, done everything to make him happy, and this is how i get repaid.? Hey brooke i wanna be single and fuck around with Rachel, so just wait around for me for a month or so.? Id rather DIE. Him being with her, being without him. It kills me a little more with each passing second. I cant take this, i cant sit back and let him be with her. I want it to be okay, i want to be able to give him this because he wants it, but i just CANT. In everything i do, i try to put him first. I cant put him first with this, it hurts too much. Its like i dont even have a heart anymore. And God knows how ill feel about him once i know what hes done with Rachel. Can he really expect me to feel exactly the same about him after that.? After knowing that he left me and went off and did whatever the fuck he wanted while i sat and cried in various peoples arms.? I will never not love him, but things will never be the same after this. This pain will stick with me so long, and its so strong. Its overpowering, it totally consumes me. Im trying so hard to make everything okay, to get through this, because yeah, i know, she only gets him for a little while but hes mine forever. That doesnt make it hurt any less that he wants her at all, that left me when he said he never would, that he broke my heart. I cant erase those things, nobody can. I wish i could, i wish i had done thigns differently or whatever, so that this would never have occured. I wish I wasnt crying my eyes out right now. I wish so many things

For the sake of his happiness;

As each second passes, and it gets closer to the time when he's at her house, doing God knows what with her, the pain in my body increases. It feels like i cant breathe, i cant think. The tears havent stopped falling all day. Im okay with this merely on the surface, because i want him to be happy. But at the same time, i want to tell him its me or her, that he cant have the best of both worlds. That he cant leave and expect me to wait for him. But i cant, i cant do that to him, to me, to us. I want so badly for him to want only me, but i cant have that. At this moment, i cant have anything i want. So for the sake of his happiness, ill lay here crying my eyes out with my arms wrapped around myself, because im trying to pretend that its him holding me. The idea of her in his arms, her lips on his, it breaks my heart,. All of this breaks my heart, but no. I wont say a word. Love is not beautiful when your lungs are caving in, your brains frying, the tears wont stop falling, and your chest burns like someone set it fire. But it is worth it. ;( ;x

Brain Hemorrage. :3

I dont believe that time heals everything. Minutes, hours, days, months and years just give you more time to think about what your missing. Words can break hearts, but actions shatter them. Sometimes i just wish one of my 'friends', who have been asking me nonstop for the past week if im okay, would look me in the eyes and realize that im lying everytime i say im alright.

Im okayy, but there are these times;

Im okayy, but sometimes it gets to me. Bad. And it feels like im falling apart at the seams, like ill never stop crying. I hate those times. I dont want to feel like that :\ I want to be okay ALL the time with this, because its going to help our relationship and makes Brendan happehh:3 But i think today is gonna be one huge one of those times. :( fuck dude. And its only been three days, :/ Still have forever until june11-ish. I really really hate this. *cries*

Maturity is not my strong point, at times like this.

I wanted to scream and kick and kill Rachel, but i know that i have to be a much bigger person then that. My first wave of emotion is rarely the one i should go with, because its generally the result of raw, unhinged pain and i make terrible decisions. The betrayal, disgust, all the things i was feeling, they arent realistic. Whats realistic, is i love him, he loves me. The rest of it is all just water under teh bridge. He's hers for a night, or a few nights, but he's mine for an eternity. So what does it really matter in the end.? It doesnt. Im not fine with it, not exactly. But ive generally come to terms with it. During the next month, whatever happens, happens. And i guess thats just how its gonna be.

On to other subjects, Allieee(: Shes adorable, and she makes me smile. And ya know, i really thought i wouldnt be able to, but im pretty sure i can kiss and whatnot with Allie :3 That aint nothing. And really, again what does it matter, She doesnt mean anymore to me romantically then Rachel means to Brendan.

Because i feel like a bitch. >.>

Ive come to the conclusion, that if Brendan sleeps with Rachel or anyone else, im Probably never going to do that with him. Id just be too disgusted, and too betrayed. Doesnt matter that were not dating, because we should be. He's supposed to want me, only me. Thats how it was supposed to be. fuckk

Forgiveness;

Forgiveness is putting something behind you, to regain what was lost.

This break, is the closer then the closest i ever thought i would be to being unable to forgive Brendan. I want to be okay with all of this, i want to stop thinking about it, i want to be able to give him this. Im trying SO hard not to dwell on this, but its just not working. Id rather die then have him with Rachel or anybody else. It disgusts me, Its almost to the point, where HE disgusts me. I just dont understand, why he would rather be single. Yeah, he never got to have that. Okay, and.? Who in their right mind would want it, its just going through day after day, messing around with a bunch of people who mean hardly anything to you. I dont want him to come back to me because he feels like he has to, or out of pity, but i dont want to be without him because he wants other girls. It breaks my heart that he wants other girls enough to leave me and go off with them. I almost wish i could do the same thing, but i cant. I love him too much,. I wish i could be happy without him, and go be with other people easily, but its too much. All of this is just too much.

Because i know in my headd, this isnt okayy;

Brendan and i are broken up, again. Temporarily, again. Were still gonna call eachother and do everything like we normally would. Except now were both seeing/talking to other people, and we have freedoms. Like hes rolling with rachel on saturday. Im generally okay with this arrangement, but i cant shake the feeling that im going to throw up everywhere if he does anything with anybody else.. :\

Things that are somewhat silly ;O`

A few different points to address todayy :O Beginning with apparently the dinner with Brendan and his dad has been moved to this Thursday IF his dad answers the phone. Another is, I, Brooke Richard, Queen of everything fatty and filled with carbs, is going on somewhat of a diet :OOO Thats right, be astounded. Anyways, Yeah, i am. Eating healthier, and excercising more because i want to get back to when i was all thin and healthy, instead of slowly turning into a fat kid O_o Im also working on getting tanner, because this whole pale as a ghost thing i got goin, is SO not working for me. Whats best about this i suppose, is that Brendan actually wants me that way, despite what he's been telling me for the past seven months O_O Mmmm:D Gonna look good.? Maybe. I hope so xD

Some thoughts(:

So Brittany called me a hypocrite but refused to tell me how im a hypocrite. She also called me a bitch and rude. I wonder, am i a bad friend.? I suppose its possible. When i was dating Victoria, all i ever did was try to make her happy and give her reasons to smile, yet she said the same things about me that Brittany did. So maybe what their saying is true. Maybe i Am a bad person...?

So its been awhile;

Monday, Brendan and his mom came over and things were talked out and apparently im sortof allowed to talk to him now, and my dad fixed the home phone and internet. Yesterday was my band concert, and he came right after school and we hung out and it was all kinds of great. Today im going to Paidens again which means i get to see him tomorrow. Were not doing what i had really really really been looking forward to, but hey, he says what were doing instead will be fun, so lets hope so, eh.? Im just excited that for the time being, things are going the way i want them to. At least for the most part. My next hurdle is dinner with Brendan and his dad :D I really want that to pan out, and once it does, then its on to Band Banquet! funfunfun:3
I wasnt able to talk to Brendan like all day today, except for on the phone this morningg, and i didnt like it >.> I miss talking to that kid. Theres nobody in the world id rather spend my time talking to. And it seems like when we talk all day long, we seem to have less fights. Maybe its because there seems to be less pressure and stress and stuff because were not trippin about how far apart we are because were not getting to talk.? Its possible. As of today, we have been together for seven months and two days. Best seven months and two days of muh life :D That boy makes me so happy. (:

So its been awhilee;

My "Stepfather" decided to rip all the wires out of the little cable box item, so we no longer have internet or house phone. But then Brendan and his mom came over, things were talked out, and apologies were made, so now im allowed to talk to him on my phone, and my dad wont try to block all the numbers that Brendan could possibly call me from. Which is good, its definitely a step in the right direction. Today is the day of my band concert and Brendan should be on his way as i type :3 The next big hurdle i have to jump, is dinner with Brendan and his dad :D After that its the Band banquet. Oh how i hope that pans out the way i want it to. O__O

So So Excitedd :3

Ahhhh! :D Band banquet is exactly two weeks from tomorrow:3 And theres a little dance item thing after. I suppose its really cliche and teen-girlish to be so excited for that, but i am :D We can take people who arent in band, so of course Im going to take Brendan. I mean if he wants to go. He'd have to pay 25 dollars and maybe he wouldn't even want to go with me,. It IS on a friday night, and he's always at the mall on Fridays.. I think he would go with me if i asked him, but i dont know. Im not sure. What if he doesnt.? I wouldn't be too happy. :\ But i think he'll go. Its from 6:30 to 11:30, at the Marriot hotel. Should be funn:3 Ahh, im so excited. Im going to get a new dress! Oh how i do love dress shopping. I think when we go to buy the dress, i might try to talk my mom into letting Brendan come dress shopping with us next week, and then he'll come to the banquet on the 20th. Oh! And i have a band concert next week that im going to ask him to go to as well C: Mmmmm,(: Things are only going to get better from here, im confident :D

Contest Poetry;

Murder

With filmy eyes

And cold cold skin

So flaccid, ahh, I see

Rigidity has already set in

Lividity, lividity, cherry red spots!

It’s not cold outside

Maybe it was cyanide

Or maybe, maybe it was carbon monoxide

Love

Young loves cold fingers

Grasp the heart in an iron grip

The young mans careful not to fall

The young girl not to slip

Alas, their failed attempts

To avoid cupids arrows

And the laughs, smiles, happiness

Tears, pain and sorrow

Death and Innocence

Bright blue sky, cloudless and sunny

An innocent blue-eyed child runs behind a bush

Laughing and smiling; he looks to his left

And then to his right

His scream pierces the air

For he has found a naked young girl

Whose face is covered by her hair

His broken heart shines brazenly on his sleeve

The tears stream like waterfalls

The police come and take the body away

And that’s it for the sunny day

That’s all

Young Love; Soulmates

Two hands intertwined

Two sets of eyes locked

Two hearts stamped with “mine”

Now tis true that lovers quarrel

But love overcomes it all

And young hearts, once in love

Never truly separate

There is such things as meant to be,

Forever and soulmates

And young lovers whether they are that,

Or not, they always like to think they are

It almost always turns out sad

Love and Death in Life

So different yet so alike

You live, you love, you fight,

You laugh, you smile, you die

Why, oh why, are people so unnaccepting of death.?

For it is but apart of living

And most certainly a part of loving

They both exist in our hearts and minds

Along with trust, hatred, lust, and lies

People fall in love and sometimes love turnes to hate

People get married and sometimes they separate

People die but soemtimes they come back

To live again, and die again

This is the oh so monotonous cycle of our world

There is nothing out there for us but this

Love and lust, death and hatred, lies and trust

Thoughts of a sensitive nature;

Exactly eight days left until our seven month, Where did the time go.? These last seven months just flew by :0 And theyve been absolutely amazing. All the memories :3 Wrestling on his little cousins bed, hanging out with his family on Christmas, all the times at jenkins, i could go on forever. All the sweet memories that keep me going(: I love how chill everything is with him, how i dont have to worry about what im wearing, or my weight, or if im being annoying. I can act silly with him, have horrible bedhead and he doesnt mind, lounge around a house for an entire day with him and it feels like Heaven. I love how i can tell him anything in the world, how theres absolutely no boundaries between us. I love those really long talks we have sometimes, we tell eachother so much, we're so brutally honest. I love that more then i could ever put into words. :0 Seven months and our whole future ahead :D I love being with him, spending time with him., I have so much fun with him. I've never really had that with a guy before. Being able to relax and have fun. He's my best friend in the entire world. The only issue with having your boyfriend as your best friend, is that you have no one to turn to when you need to talk About your boyfriend :P But its okayy, because thats another thing i love about him. We dont fight very much, we used to get meh alot but ive been working on that. He's being kindof totally uncooperative with me working on the meh thing, because everytime i tell him not to be meh, or im trying to get back to good conversation he's having none of it. Its okay though, we'll get there. The Break seems to be the only problem in our relationship that glares out, but what does it matter.? Everybody does stupid things every once in a while. I find that everytime im doing something, i want to be doing it with him. Like everytime i go somewhere, i think about how happy i would be if he were there with me. Everytime i read a good book, i think about how much i want him to tell him all about it. Everytime i hear a really good new song, i want to ask him if he knows it, and if he doesnt then i want to show it to him. I want to include him in all areas of my life i guess, but i cant yet. I cant wait until i can though:3 Like this weekend when i go to the crawfish festival, im probably going to text him the entire time and tell him about everything that goes on, and how much i wish he was with me. So the project i talked about in my last post, is a pillowcase. Its black, and im sewing things on it in light blue, light pink and hwite. I messed up alot, but hey, im HANDSEWING it. Besides, at least that shows how many hours ive spent on it already, and how many more im going to have to spend on it. Its really really soft, some fabric called micro-knit jersey or some shiz. I think he'll like it. I hope so, i sure am putting alot of effort into it. I just figured i'd do something special for him. Another thing for him to look at and think of me :3 Im also thinking of doing a scarboook item, which wont be surprise for him. He'll know about it. Its going to take me forever though, because im going to take all the pichures over time, when were doing things and stuff. I think im going to take pichures until our one year, and then put it all in there with a bunch of our old pichures, even though he hates them, and then it will be a scarbook of our first year together :3 I think thats a great idea. :D Mmmm, i do love arts&&crafts, especially when its for him. I do love to make him smile.<3

Surprise surprise.?

Im about to start doing something very interesting for Brendan. I really hope he likes it :O Its something new, that ive never tried before. Something cute and kinda cheesy. Something i really dont want to mess up and im going to have to spend a ton of time on. I think its going to come out quite well(: Even though we arent celebrating our seven month, thats what its for i suppose. Im planning on giving it to him like a few days after our seven month, if i manage to see him :3 Hopefully i will.

Angry but Great.(:

So my "Stepfather" took it upon himself last night to take my phone, go through and read everything on it, get on the internet and check my email, and delete ALL of my saved messages from Brendan. Needless to say, i was pretty mad about it. Then he went on and on about how Brendan is just a roadblock in my life, he's holding me back from having/reaching goals, and that Brendan doesnt care about me at all. All of which is a total lie. Brendan supports me more then anyone in my life ever has, and he does care about me. We've been involved with eachother for over three years, we've had more then enough time and memories to develop some pretty deep feelings for each other. However, im still feeling pretty great despite this injustice. This weekend i was finally let out of the house and i was able to see Brendan two days in a row. Pretty WONDERUL(: And this weekend is going to be pretty freaking great too,((: I've got high hopes for the future, and im determined not to let my "Stepfather" dash them. So something nice happpened last night also. I watched an entire movie about a girl named Rachel and didnt even think about Her until afterwards. Looks like i really am totally over that little..speedbump.. in our relationship :D ilovehim<3

The best surprise xD

My "Stepfather" changed his mind and let me go to paidens house, and i got to see Brendan yesterday and today. It was wonderful. IT was so great actually hanging out with him(: and it was pretty fun being with paiden all weekend too. I tried some new stuff this weekend, and i liked that too. This was a really great weekend, i suppose things are starting to look up.(:

Fucking Tornado ;x

Thats exactly what my "Stepfather" is. A fucking tornado, constantly tearing my life to pieces. All he had to do was say yes, and everything would have been fucking perfect, but no. Of course not, no way would he EVER do something that would make me happy. I want to be all happy and bouncy and shit for Brendan, and not be meh when we're talking but its hard. Im so damn angry, and so depressed. Being locked up all the time, being miserable and alone all the time, it gets to a person. Its driving me fucking insane. I was looking forward to being ungrounded and getting to be with him and whatnot this weekend, this fucking dissappointment hit me hard. Almost everytime i take a breath im fighting back tears again. I cant be locked up like this anymore, i jsut cant do it. And my mom thinks that if i talk to my "Stepfather" then things will get better, but 1) i doubt it and 2) Even if they do i still have to get through being absolutely miserable for yet another weekend. Theres nothing i hate more than being alone, and thats all i EVER am anymore. Reading doesnt interest me, playing with melmel doesnt interest me, facebook doesnt interest me. Im sick and tired of being alone and depressed. I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I don't understand why thats such a crime in my his book, why its to important to him to keep me locked up and miserable. I made ONE mistake, that im never going to make again. They will never catch me again. They need to fucking get over it already, my entire life ive been a model child. I may mouth off every once in a while, or groan because of a chore i have to do, but ive always been a damn near perfect daughter, but the very First time i mes up, its off with my head. Do they really think that i haven't been adequately punished.? Thats ridiculous. I've been complying to this grounding, and trying to compromise with them for fucking WEEKS, im not doing it anymore. I'm going to talk to my "Stepfather" and if that doesnt work, then FUCK IT. Im tired of this shit, and im not going to do this anymore. He's trying to stomp out every bit of happiness in my life, and im tired of it. Just because he's going to die miserable and alone, doesnt mean i should too. HE deserves it >.>

Retraction;

So i suppose maybe it wasn't a promise persay, but an inference. "Im still Yours" and all the other things he spouted made me INFER that he wasnt going to be with anybody else. He said all the things to make me think he wasnt going to, when he knew full well that he was. With her, Rachel. Oh, the horrible things i would like to do to that girl. But anyways, so i suppose it wasnt a promise, or anything along those lines, but thats what he made me believe. And regardless or what it actually was, his plans with Rachel still felt, and will always feel, like Betrayal.
And now, my "Stepfather" has officially stomped on all my plans for this weekend, and decided that i need to stay locked up for another month, so now Brendan is going to be at the mall with everybody, including HER >.>, today, and then God knows where the rest of the weekend. But i did make him say that he wont even go hang out at Rachels house, much less spend the night there again. I wish my "Stepfather" would get in another motorcycle accident, but this time, i want him to die.(: This weekend was supposed to be the start of me being ungrounded, and it was going to make things so much better between Brendan and I but as usual, my "Stepfather" killed everything.,

Trying, oh so hard;

Im hoping&praying so hard that my dad says yes to this weekend. I want so much to see Brendan, to actually hang out with him, it'll just make things so much better. Even before the Break, but especially since it, i cant help but think tha tim not doing enough to make him happy. Because we dont get to spend time together, i guess it does feel sometimes like our relationship is so much less then it could be. Like im not even a girlfriend, just some girl holding him back. Like he's just "single with restrictions". I know he doesnt really feel like that, but i feel like that. I just want us to be able to start spending time together, so we can be like a real couple again, and i can be sure that i really am making him happy and he wont want to go on Break again.. Dx

Ahhhhh;

I thought today would never end, i was jsut sitting there in sixth period, thinking about how much i miss being able to talk to Brendan all the time, and it felt like i spent a week sitting there instead of an hour and a half. I hate not having texting, things were so much easier then. I was able to talk to him, like as much as i wanted, and it was absolutely wonderful. I miss that alot. Today was long, boring, and filled with missing him. And i had a long conversation with Brittany&Jacob about Rachel >.> Apparently brittany and jacob know her quite well, and think shes a giant whore. That certainly makes senseeeee >.< I wish i could stop hating her, but i cant. I mean he promised that he wasnt going to do with anything else while we were broken up, but he had plans to go to her house, and do a bunch of drugs and shit, and do stuff with her. He made it clear that he knew full well that was what was going to happen, if he went, and yet he planned to go anyway. So the fact that he was going to break his word to me, and that he liked her at all, makes me hate with a burning passion. I wish the bitch didnt exist. This is like, the most jealous i have ever been in my entire life, and its fucking ridiculous. I dont know how i let things get so bad, that he was not only attracted to, but wanted to be with someone else. I knew things werent good, but how did they get THAT bad.? Oh well, what does it matter now right.. He's mine, and everything has set itself to rights. I have nothing to worry about from that bitch, not that that makes me not jealous or not hate her. I most definitely hate her. But i'll be nice to her if i meet her tomorrow. Thats another thing on my mind at the moment. Whether my dads finally going to NOT be a dick, and let me go to paidens so that i can go to the mall with Brendan, and then him maybe come over to Brians house. I need this, Our relationship needs this. We need things to seriously start gettting back to normal, to be able to see eachother, and hang out again. Nothing could be better for our relationship at this present time then that. Sometimes i spend hours thinking back to that night, at all the things we could have done differently so that nothing would have changed and things would have stayed perfect, but it only makes me miserable. Im trying to just stick to thinking about things to make our relationship better, instead of focusing on all the ways that i messed it up,. I just want things to get back to normal, i miss him and i miss being happy, and being able to make him happy. I really hope he never decides he wants a break again, i think that would just about kill me. Im trying So hard to keep things good between us, the hardest i possibly can, and i hope he realizes that. But he said the break thing will never happen again, and i believe him. I love that boy.

The order of things:3

Brendan and i are back together. That is all :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Depressing day

Today has been hard. Extremely hard. I cant remember ever having been so depressed before. I hate my life :\ I just keep thinking about what he said about spending the night with ashliegh's house with her and rachel and about them wanting to do ex with him. Does this break up mean that he's going to do that now.? What exactly does this mean.? Why does this hurt so bad.? I dont want him to be anybody elses even for a second, and i dont want him to Not be mine. I want things to be how they used to be, i miss all that happiness. Being broken up with him is like... the worst thing to ever happen to me. All day today people were asking me why i was so depressed, why i wasnt talking, when i told them that we were broken up, they all freaked out. Their mouths dropped like that was the most impossible thing in the world to imagine,. And it is. Its so hard to think of us not being together. Like yeah, all the names and stuff we say and the phone calls, none of that has changed, but essientialy, we're still not TOGETHER. And that kills me inside. He keeps acting like it being temporary makes it SO much better, but it doesnt. The fact that he wants this at all kills me. I hardly know how to act, or even who to be without him with him. Everything i did and said, i did with him in mind, and now technically he isnt even mine. How am i supposed to be happy when the love of my life wants a break from me.. I know he doesnt mean for me to feel like this, but i feel like i did something wrong.. or that he's bored of me. Or something. I dont know! I just.. im going crazy and its only the first day. I wonder if he'd think im weird because of this. Everytime he asks me how i am, im absolutely horrible, and he is just fine. Everytime i ask him whats on his mind, its something completely unrelated, and all i can think about is how much he hurt me..
"single with restrictions"
"half-dead relationship"
how could he even say those things to me.? Does he have any idea how much that hurt me.?

Taking a break;

FUCK MY LIFE.

:'(

Id rather be dead then feel like this. Its like we never talk and when we do we have nothing to say to eachother. He's slipping away from me.. :\ i cant do this

To tell the truth

To tell the truth, this last week or so has been absolutely fuckign miserable. Being alone all the time, fighting with my parents all the time, the nightmares, not being able to see/talk to brendan. Its been horrible, nobody will ever know just HOW horrible until theyve gone through it too. But it was just.. wow. I dont think ive ever needed Brendan so much as i did the past week or so. I miss being happy and whatnot.
To tell the truth, I honestly thought me and brendan were going to break up on saturday, or was it sunday.? Whichever day we talked about how we had been growing apart and stuff. I thought we were going to end up breaking up because of it. Damn, that tore me apart. But i shouldve known better. Hah, Im not going to let anything break us up. Silly me. :X

Family therapyy; Something that hurts.

So i went to family therapy today, and boy, wasnt that just tons of fun. Hah, NO. I yelled at my mother, and made her cry, and when she realized that i didnt even care that she was crying, she cried even harder. She kept trying to tell me what a great life i have and all that other shit she's constantly spouting, and i just dont want to fucking hear it. I want her to understand how much i hate living with her and that "man". I dont want to live in their house, i dont want to have anything to do with them. For christ sakes, i HATE them. She keeps saying that she thinks our family can be put back together and that everything can get better, but it CANT. It cant because i hate them too much, im never going to be happy being in their house. On the upside, my father has decided to let Brendan and his dad come over for dinner as soon as Brendan's dad can do it. So maybe after that Brendan will be allowed to come over, and once that happens things should get better between us. Once we can see eachother regularly, things are gonna get a whole lot better.

The second thing that i want to discuss today, is The stuff i talked about in like the post before last :O How brendan and i have grown apart, and how he's attracted to other girls and things. That just about killed me inside, not that im going to tell him that. And the fact that he's ALWAYS with angel, or spending the night with other girls without me there. Yeah, its not like anything would ever happen, its not anything like that, it just BOTHERS me. So. Much. Like omfg, but i wont tell him that. I dont want to tell him what he can and cant do, and i did bring it up one time but i told him he didnt have to leave or stop going over there. It jsut bothers me, and the few friends ive talked about it with said it would bother them too. So am i wrong for being bothered by it.? I dont know. But i am, i freaking hate it to be perfectly honest. And as for being attracted to other girls and stuff... How did that even happen.? I mean ive felt us growing apart and stuff, but i had no idea that we had grown THAT far apart. Im still totally unnattracted to other guys and girls and stuff, nothing has changed except i can feel him pulling away from me. So what happened that made it so easy for things to change with him.? How can i fix it.? Or will it fix itself.? So many questions, and not a single answer..This is probably the most depressing thing that has happened since the whole grounding thing occured. I knew it was going to affect us but i didnt think it was going to change things so drastically. I didnt think he was gonna start liking other girls, or that we were gonna go without really talking for days at a time. Its horrible. I mean, im sure once he comes to dinner and everything then things are gonna go back to normal..rightt.? I want things to be how they were before all this, i want us to be basically perfect again. I mean, no relationship is perfect, but we were pretty damn close. And i want it to be like that again, so bad. I want to be the only girl he's attracted to again, i want to talk to him all day long about everything in the world again, i want to feel close to him again. Surely that wont be too hard to accomplish..? Of course not. It'll be better once im allowed to go places. I jsut hope that doesnt take long, i dont want things to stay how they are for much longer. Its killing me to have things like this, plus i dont want there to be lasting damage. *shudders* I miss him. I miss him so much, and how things use to be. Id do anything to fix things.
Then the next hurdle im going to jump is going to friends houses again. It'll be such a relief to finally be able to leave that house. Things are going to get back to normal, :O hopefully.

Slipped away; i love this song O__O

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you
I miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
Oh

Na na
Na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oh

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
Oh

I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same no...

The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found
It won't be the same oh...

Na na
Na na na na na
I miss you

Something SAD

I dont even feel like im a part of his life anymore. Like at all. He's off doing things all the time, and majority of the time were not even talking much less doing them together. I feel like im just some girl he tells shit too at the end of the day, not someone who's actually apart of things. I love him and he loves me, but things have got to change, I cant stand feeling this way anymore.. Its all my parents fault, but i think i can fix this. I CAN fix this.. i think. My dad already agreed to have him and his dad over to dinner whenever his dad comes in from where-ever it is he goes to do work-type things. Hopefully once that happens, we'll be able to do things together again. I was so sure i could handle this when it all started, but its killing me now. Being alone and miserable all the time, never being with Brendan. I miss being happy, i miss having fun with him, i miss how things use to be so much i feel like im suffocating when i think about it.

Scattered thoughts

The purpose of life, is a life full of purpose. -Robert Byrne.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. -Lamartine.

As soon as forever is through, ill be over you. - Toto.

Hatred is a state of controlled chaos, that feasts upon you until you just cant hold it in anymore. - Unknown.

I haven even lost him, and i already feel heartbroken O.o Why do my parents have to be such insufferable bastards, bent on my destruction.?

O__O

Trouble in Paradise

My parents have been keeping us from seeing each other and from talking very much, and its taking a toll. I guess i should have seen that coming, but i didnt. And holy shit, this hurts. We've been growing apart. Never having real conversations, we talk for like 30 minutes here, 30 minutes there. We aren't close anymore, and our relationships suffering for it. Its absolutely killing me. And then, he tells me that its gotten to the point that he's attracted to other girls again. Can you say, broken heart.? I cried another ocean or two, and then i stopped. I mean, its not like he's doing anything about the attraction. Its just, before no matter how cute a girl may have been, i always felt sure that he didn't think so, that he thought nothing of her. Now, not so much. ;c i am sososo afraid of whats happening to our relationship. I love him so much, and this is ruining everything we have together. I know that we can fix this, and im gonna put absolutely everything i have into doing so,. I dont know what i would do without him. :C We're growing apart, but were not falling out of love. We've got this.. :O

Brendan Tyler Maxwell

The guy of my dreams. The one im going to spend the rest of my life with. There are just so many things i love about this boy. I love his smile, the way he holds me, the adorable look on his face when he sees reeses cups, falling asleep in his arms, his scent, his eyes, the cute way he puts his hands behind his back and grins when he wants something, the way he whines when im unsure about something he wants, how gentle he is with me, how sweet he is to me, how much we have in common, how i can trust him, how i never doubt a single word he says to me, how much he loves me, and theres SO much more, but theres nothing i love more than how much i love him. I love him more then anything in the entire world, i would die for him in an instant. That boy is my whole life. Talking to him, being with him <-- my favorite things in the entire world. Out of all the bad that has happened in my life, he outshines it all. He outweighs every single bad thing that has ever happened to me. That boy is my angel, my guiding light. I dont know what i would do without him, my soulmate.<3

The man who thinks he owns me

You are a liar. You are self-centered. You have a faulty belief system. You are cruel. You dont listen to anyone but yourself. You are judgemental. You are narrow-minded. You are uncaring. You are full of shit. You think you are my "father" but you are NOT. You are just my mothers boyfriend, the one she has been cheating on for well over three years. You are the most hateful human being i have EVER had the displeasure of meeting. I hate you. I hate you and i wish you would just die already. I dont want you in my life, and believe the moment i can leave your house of misery, i will NEVER return to it. You do everything you can to control every aspect of me. I cant be friends with who i want, i cant dress how i want, i cant wear as many necklaces or rings as i want, i cant wear what shoes i want, i cant date who i want, i cant eat what i want. You go through my trash, my school things, my phone and text logs, my internet usage, try to monitor the books i read and music i listen to. Fuck that. Fuck you. I AM MY OWN PERSON. I do not belong to you, i am not yours to control. So, could you like, get the fuck out of my life.? Im tired of being miserable and alone all the time because thats how you like me. Im tired of having to bow down to you. You are NOT my dad. You are just some controlling bastard who likes to make my fucking life hell. LEAVE ME ALONE. :C

What you have made me.

Ive done everything i can to get help. Ive told the teachers, ive called CPS, ive tried to convince you to let me go, but you thwart every plan i come up with. You defeat me everytime, and im stuck with you. People wonder how i cam to be the way i am, bipolar, a little schizophrenic. Well its YOUR fault. I am what you have made me. You have made me crazy, you have made me unhappy, you have made me die inside, but you have also made me strong. Stronger then you will ever be. I once was heartless and a cheater just like my mother, until one day i realized that i dont want to be anything like her. I dont want to have the reputation of a slut, i dont want to be unhappy, bouncing from boy to boy to boy. And thats when i found my soulmate, a boy who is perfect for me in every single way, who i love with all my heart, who i wouldnt give up for anything in the world. Brendan loves me, despite what you have made me. You have made me paranoid, you have made me bipolar, you have made me have anger management issues, you have made me a hard person to love. But he deals with it all, because we love eachother that much. Im going to spend the rest of my life with him. Yeah, you hate that. Yeah, your doing everything you can to break us apart. But you will not succeeed. You have taken WAY too much from me over the years, you are not taking him too. No. I am what you have made me, but my life with him will be what i make it. Completely apart from YOU.