Id rather die.

You can call me immature, tell me im being dumb, get mad at me, whatever. It wont change how i feel. And what i feel at this given time, is totally fucking destroyed. Its one in the morningg, and he's at her house, rolling. Who knows whats happening,. I feel so sick to my stomach, and im crying so hard. Ive been crying all day long. Did he even stop to think about what this would do to me.? Does he realize that i am completely broken, all because i want him to be happy. Single life, what the fuck. I have given absolutely everything i have to him, done everything to make him happy, and this is how i get repaid.? Hey brooke i wanna be single and fuck around with Rachel, so just wait around for me for a month or so.? Id rather DIE. Him being with her, being without him. It kills me a little more with each passing second. I cant take this, i cant sit back and let him be with her. I want it to be okay, i want to be able to give him this because he wants it, but i just CANT. In everything i do, i try to put him first. I cant put him first with this, it hurts too much. Its like i dont even have a heart anymore. And God knows how ill feel about him once i know what hes done with Rachel. Can he really expect me to feel exactly the same about him after that.? After knowing that he left me and went off and did whatever the fuck he wanted while i sat and cried in various peoples arms.? I will never not love him, but things will never be the same after this. This pain will stick with me so long, and its so strong. Its overpowering, it totally consumes me. Im trying so hard to make everything okay, to get through this, because yeah, i know, she only gets him for a little while but hes mine forever. That doesnt make it hurt any less that he wants her at all, that left me when he said he never would, that he broke my heart. I cant erase those things, nobody can. I wish i could, i wish i had done thigns differently or whatever, so that this would never have occured. I wish I wasnt crying my eyes out right now. I wish so many things

For the sake of his happiness;

As each second passes, and it gets closer to the time when he's at her house, doing God knows what with her, the pain in my body increases. It feels like i cant breathe, i cant think. The tears havent stopped falling all day. Im okay with this merely on the surface, because i want him to be happy. But at the same time, i want to tell him its me or her, that he cant have the best of both worlds. That he cant leave and expect me to wait for him. But i cant, i cant do that to him, to me, to us. I want so badly for him to want only me, but i cant have that. At this moment, i cant have anything i want. So for the sake of his happiness, ill lay here crying my eyes out with my arms wrapped around myself, because im trying to pretend that its him holding me. The idea of her in his arms, her lips on his, it breaks my heart,. All of this breaks my heart, but no. I wont say a word. Love is not beautiful when your lungs are caving in, your brains frying, the tears wont stop falling, and your chest burns like someone set it fire. But it is worth it. ;( ;x

Brain Hemorrage. :3

I dont believe that time heals everything. Minutes, hours, days, months and years just give you more time to think about what your missing. Words can break hearts, but actions shatter them. Sometimes i just wish one of my 'friends', who have been asking me nonstop for the past week if im okay, would look me in the eyes and realize that im lying everytime i say im alright.

Im okayy, but there are these times;

Im okayy, but sometimes it gets to me. Bad. And it feels like im falling apart at the seams, like ill never stop crying. I hate those times. I dont want to feel like that :\ I want to be okay ALL the time with this, because its going to help our relationship and makes Brendan happehh:3 But i think today is gonna be one huge one of those times. :( fuck dude. And its only been three days, :/ Still have forever until june11-ish. I really really hate this. *cries*

Maturity is not my strong point, at times like this.

I wanted to scream and kick and kill Rachel, but i know that i have to be a much bigger person then that. My first wave of emotion is rarely the one i should go with, because its generally the result of raw, unhinged pain and i make terrible decisions. The betrayal, disgust, all the things i was feeling, they arent realistic. Whats realistic, is i love him, he loves me. The rest of it is all just water under teh bridge. He's hers for a night, or a few nights, but he's mine for an eternity. So what does it really matter in the end.? It doesnt. Im not fine with it, not exactly. But ive generally come to terms with it. During the next month, whatever happens, happens. And i guess thats just how its gonna be.

On to other subjects, Allieee(: Shes adorable, and she makes me smile. And ya know, i really thought i wouldnt be able to, but im pretty sure i can kiss and whatnot with Allie :3 That aint nothing. And really, again what does it matter, She doesnt mean anymore to me romantically then Rachel means to Brendan.

Because i feel like a bitch. >.>

Ive come to the conclusion, that if Brendan sleeps with Rachel or anyone else, im Probably never going to do that with him. Id just be too disgusted, and too betrayed. Doesnt matter that were not dating, because we should be. He's supposed to want me, only me. Thats how it was supposed to be. fuckk

Forgiveness;

Forgiveness is putting something behind you, to regain what was lost.

This break, is the closer then the closest i ever thought i would be to being unable to forgive Brendan. I want to be okay with all of this, i want to stop thinking about it, i want to be able to give him this. Im trying SO hard not to dwell on this, but its just not working. Id rather die then have him with Rachel or anybody else. It disgusts me, Its almost to the point, where HE disgusts me. I just dont understand, why he would rather be single. Yeah, he never got to have that. Okay, and.? Who in their right mind would want it, its just going through day after day, messing around with a bunch of people who mean hardly anything to you. I dont want him to come back to me because he feels like he has to, or out of pity, but i dont want to be without him because he wants other girls. It breaks my heart that he wants other girls enough to leave me and go off with them. I almost wish i could do the same thing, but i cant. I love him too much,. I wish i could be happy without him, and go be with other people easily, but its too much. All of this is just too much.

Because i know in my headd, this isnt okayy;

Brendan and i are broken up, again. Temporarily, again. Were still gonna call eachother and do everything like we normally would. Except now were both seeing/talking to other people, and we have freedoms. Like hes rolling with rachel on saturday. Im generally okay with this arrangement, but i cant shake the feeling that im going to throw up everywhere if he does anything with anybody else.. :\

Things that are somewhat silly ;O`

A few different points to address todayy :O Beginning with apparently the dinner with Brendan and his dad has been moved to this Thursday IF his dad answers the phone. Another is, I, Brooke Richard, Queen of everything fatty and filled with carbs, is going on somewhat of a diet :OOO Thats right, be astounded. Anyways, Yeah, i am. Eating healthier, and excercising more because i want to get back to when i was all thin and healthy, instead of slowly turning into a fat kid O_o Im also working on getting tanner, because this whole pale as a ghost thing i got goin, is SO not working for me. Whats best about this i suppose, is that Brendan actually wants me that way, despite what he's been telling me for the past seven months O_O Mmmm:D Gonna look good.? Maybe. I hope so xD

Some thoughts(:

So Brittany called me a hypocrite but refused to tell me how im a hypocrite. She also called me a bitch and rude. I wonder, am i a bad friend.? I suppose its possible. When i was dating Victoria, all i ever did was try to make her happy and give her reasons to smile, yet she said the same things about me that Brittany did. So maybe what their saying is true. Maybe i Am a bad person...?