Fucking Tornado ;x

Thats exactly what my "Stepfather" is. A fucking tornado, constantly tearing my life to pieces. All he had to do was say yes, and everything would have been fucking perfect, but no. Of course not, no way would he EVER do something that would make me happy. I want to be all happy and bouncy and shit for Brendan, and not be meh when we're talking but its hard. Im so damn angry, and so depressed. Being locked up all the time, being miserable and alone all the time, it gets to a person. Its driving me fucking insane. I was looking forward to being ungrounded and getting to be with him and whatnot this weekend, this fucking dissappointment hit me hard. Almost everytime i take a breath im fighting back tears again. I cant be locked up like this anymore, i jsut cant do it. And my mom thinks that if i talk to my "Stepfather" then things will get better, but 1) i doubt it and 2) Even if they do i still have to get through being absolutely miserable for yet another weekend. Theres nothing i hate more than being alone, and thats all i EVER am anymore. Reading doesnt interest me, playing with melmel doesnt interest me, facebook doesnt interest me. Im sick and tired of being alone and depressed. I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I don't understand why thats such a crime in my his book, why its to important to him to keep me locked up and miserable. I made ONE mistake, that im never going to make again. They will never catch me again. They need to fucking get over it already, my entire life ive been a model child. I may mouth off every once in a while, or groan because of a chore i have to do, but ive always been a damn near perfect daughter, but the very First time i mes up, its off with my head. Do they really think that i haven't been adequately punished.? Thats ridiculous. I've been complying to this grounding, and trying to compromise with them for fucking WEEKS, im not doing it anymore. I'm going to talk to my "Stepfather" and if that doesnt work, then FUCK IT. Im tired of this shit, and im not going to do this anymore. He's trying to stomp out every bit of happiness in my life, and im tired of it. Just because he's going to die miserable and alone, doesnt mean i should too. HE deserves it >.>

Retraction;

So i suppose maybe it wasn't a promise persay, but an inference. "Im still Yours" and all the other things he spouted made me INFER that he wasnt going to be with anybody else. He said all the things to make me think he wasnt going to, when he knew full well that he was. With her, Rachel. Oh, the horrible things i would like to do to that girl. But anyways, so i suppose it wasnt a promise, or anything along those lines, but thats what he made me believe. And regardless or what it actually was, his plans with Rachel still felt, and will always feel, like Betrayal.
And now, my "Stepfather" has officially stomped on all my plans for this weekend, and decided that i need to stay locked up for another month, so now Brendan is going to be at the mall with everybody, including HER >.>, today, and then God knows where the rest of the weekend. But i did make him say that he wont even go hang out at Rachels house, much less spend the night there again. I wish my "Stepfather" would get in another motorcycle accident, but this time, i want him to die.(: This weekend was supposed to be the start of me being ungrounded, and it was going to make things so much better between Brendan and I but as usual, my "Stepfather" killed everything.,

Trying, oh so hard;

Im hoping&praying so hard that my dad says yes to this weekend. I want so much to see Brendan, to actually hang out with him, it'll just make things so much better. Even before the Break, but especially since it, i cant help but think tha tim not doing enough to make him happy. Because we dont get to spend time together, i guess it does feel sometimes like our relationship is so much less then it could be. Like im not even a girlfriend, just some girl holding him back. Like he's just "single with restrictions". I know he doesnt really feel like that, but i feel like that. I just want us to be able to start spending time together, so we can be like a real couple again, and i can be sure that i really am making him happy and he wont want to go on Break again.. Dx

Ahhhhh;

I thought today would never end, i was jsut sitting there in sixth period, thinking about how much i miss being able to talk to Brendan all the time, and it felt like i spent a week sitting there instead of an hour and a half. I hate not having texting, things were so much easier then. I was able to talk to him, like as much as i wanted, and it was absolutely wonderful. I miss that alot. Today was long, boring, and filled with missing him. And i had a long conversation with Brittany&Jacob about Rachel >.> Apparently brittany and jacob know her quite well, and think shes a giant whore. That certainly makes senseeeee >.< I wish i could stop hating her, but i cant. I mean he promised that he wasnt going to do with anything else while we were broken up, but he had plans to go to her house, and do a bunch of drugs and shit, and do stuff with her. He made it clear that he knew full well that was what was going to happen, if he went, and yet he planned to go anyway. So the fact that he was going to break his word to me, and that he liked her at all, makes me hate with a burning passion. I wish the bitch didnt exist. This is like, the most jealous i have ever been in my entire life, and its fucking ridiculous. I dont know how i let things get so bad, that he was not only attracted to, but wanted to be with someone else. I knew things werent good, but how did they get THAT bad.? Oh well, what does it matter now right.. He's mine, and everything has set itself to rights. I have nothing to worry about from that bitch, not that that makes me not jealous or not hate her. I most definitely hate her. But i'll be nice to her if i meet her tomorrow. Thats another thing on my mind at the moment. Whether my dads finally going to NOT be a dick, and let me go to paidens so that i can go to the mall with Brendan, and then him maybe come over to Brians house. I need this, Our relationship needs this. We need things to seriously start gettting back to normal, to be able to see eachother, and hang out again. Nothing could be better for our relationship at this present time then that. Sometimes i spend hours thinking back to that night, at all the things we could have done differently so that nothing would have changed and things would have stayed perfect, but it only makes me miserable. Im trying to just stick to thinking about things to make our relationship better, instead of focusing on all the ways that i messed it up,. I just want things to get back to normal, i miss him and i miss being happy, and being able to make him happy. I really hope he never decides he wants a break again, i think that would just about kill me. Im trying So hard to keep things good between us, the hardest i possibly can, and i hope he realizes that. But he said the break thing will never happen again, and i believe him. I love that boy.

The order of things:3

Brendan and i are back together. That is all :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Depressing day

Today has been hard. Extremely hard. I cant remember ever having been so depressed before. I hate my life :\ I just keep thinking about what he said about spending the night with ashliegh's house with her and rachel and about them wanting to do ex with him. Does this break up mean that he's going to do that now.? What exactly does this mean.? Why does this hurt so bad.? I dont want him to be anybody elses even for a second, and i dont want him to Not be mine. I want things to be how they used to be, i miss all that happiness. Being broken up with him is like... the worst thing to ever happen to me. All day today people were asking me why i was so depressed, why i wasnt talking, when i told them that we were broken up, they all freaked out. Their mouths dropped like that was the most impossible thing in the world to imagine,. And it is. Its so hard to think of us not being together. Like yeah, all the names and stuff we say and the phone calls, none of that has changed, but essientialy, we're still not TOGETHER. And that kills me inside. He keeps acting like it being temporary makes it SO much better, but it doesnt. The fact that he wants this at all kills me. I hardly know how to act, or even who to be without him with him. Everything i did and said, i did with him in mind, and now technically he isnt even mine. How am i supposed to be happy when the love of my life wants a break from me.. I know he doesnt mean for me to feel like this, but i feel like i did something wrong.. or that he's bored of me. Or something. I dont know! I just.. im going crazy and its only the first day. I wonder if he'd think im weird because of this. Everytime he asks me how i am, im absolutely horrible, and he is just fine. Everytime i ask him whats on his mind, its something completely unrelated, and all i can think about is how much he hurt me..
"single with restrictions"
"half-dead relationship"
how could he even say those things to me.? Does he have any idea how much that hurt me.?

Taking a break;

FUCK MY LIFE.

:'(

Id rather be dead then feel like this. Its like we never talk and when we do we have nothing to say to eachother. He's slipping away from me.. :\ i cant do this

To tell the truth

To tell the truth, this last week or so has been absolutely fuckign miserable. Being alone all the time, fighting with my parents all the time, the nightmares, not being able to see/talk to brendan. Its been horrible, nobody will ever know just HOW horrible until theyve gone through it too. But it was just.. wow. I dont think ive ever needed Brendan so much as i did the past week or so. I miss being happy and whatnot.
To tell the truth, I honestly thought me and brendan were going to break up on saturday, or was it sunday.? Whichever day we talked about how we had been growing apart and stuff. I thought we were going to end up breaking up because of it. Damn, that tore me apart. But i shouldve known better. Hah, Im not going to let anything break us up. Silly me. :X

Family therapyy; Something that hurts.

So i went to family therapy today, and boy, wasnt that just tons of fun. Hah, NO. I yelled at my mother, and made her cry, and when she realized that i didnt even care that she was crying, she cried even harder. She kept trying to tell me what a great life i have and all that other shit she's constantly spouting, and i just dont want to fucking hear it. I want her to understand how much i hate living with her and that "man". I dont want to live in their house, i dont want to have anything to do with them. For christ sakes, i HATE them. She keeps saying that she thinks our family can be put back together and that everything can get better, but it CANT. It cant because i hate them too much, im never going to be happy being in their house. On the upside, my father has decided to let Brendan and his dad come over for dinner as soon as Brendan's dad can do it. So maybe after that Brendan will be allowed to come over, and once that happens things should get better between us. Once we can see eachother regularly, things are gonna get a whole lot better.

The second thing that i want to discuss today, is The stuff i talked about in like the post before last :O How brendan and i have grown apart, and how he's attracted to other girls and things. That just about killed me inside, not that im going to tell him that. And the fact that he's ALWAYS with angel, or spending the night with other girls without me there. Yeah, its not like anything would ever happen, its not anything like that, it just BOTHERS me. So. Much. Like omfg, but i wont tell him that. I dont want to tell him what he can and cant do, and i did bring it up one time but i told him he didnt have to leave or stop going over there. It jsut bothers me, and the few friends ive talked about it with said it would bother them too. So am i wrong for being bothered by it.? I dont know. But i am, i freaking hate it to be perfectly honest. And as for being attracted to other girls and stuff... How did that even happen.? I mean ive felt us growing apart and stuff, but i had no idea that we had grown THAT far apart. Im still totally unnattracted to other guys and girls and stuff, nothing has changed except i can feel him pulling away from me. So what happened that made it so easy for things to change with him.? How can i fix it.? Or will it fix itself.? So many questions, and not a single answer..This is probably the most depressing thing that has happened since the whole grounding thing occured. I knew it was going to affect us but i didnt think it was going to change things so drastically. I didnt think he was gonna start liking other girls, or that we were gonna go without really talking for days at a time. Its horrible. I mean, im sure once he comes to dinner and everything then things are gonna go back to normal..rightt.? I want things to be how they were before all this, i want us to be basically perfect again. I mean, no relationship is perfect, but we were pretty damn close. And i want it to be like that again, so bad. I want to be the only girl he's attracted to again, i want to talk to him all day long about everything in the world again, i want to feel close to him again. Surely that wont be too hard to accomplish..? Of course not. It'll be better once im allowed to go places. I jsut hope that doesnt take long, i dont want things to stay how they are for much longer. Its killing me to have things like this, plus i dont want there to be lasting damage. *shudders* I miss him. I miss him so much, and how things use to be. Id do anything to fix things.
Then the next hurdle im going to jump is going to friends houses again. It'll be such a relief to finally be able to leave that house. Things are going to get back to normal, :O hopefully.

Slipped away; i love this song O__O

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you
I miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
Oh

Na na
Na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oh

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
Oh

I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same no...

The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found
It won't be the same oh...

Na na
Na na na na na
I miss you

Something SAD

I dont even feel like im a part of his life anymore. Like at all. He's off doing things all the time, and majority of the time were not even talking much less doing them together. I feel like im just some girl he tells shit too at the end of the day, not someone who's actually apart of things. I love him and he loves me, but things have got to change, I cant stand feeling this way anymore.. Its all my parents fault, but i think i can fix this. I CAN fix this.. i think. My dad already agreed to have him and his dad over to dinner whenever his dad comes in from where-ever it is he goes to do work-type things. Hopefully once that happens, we'll be able to do things together again. I was so sure i could handle this when it all started, but its killing me now. Being alone and miserable all the time, never being with Brendan. I miss being happy, i miss having fun with him, i miss how things use to be so much i feel like im suffocating when i think about it.

Scattered thoughts

The purpose of life, is a life full of purpose. -Robert Byrne.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. -Lamartine.

As soon as forever is through, ill be over you. - Toto.

Hatred is a state of controlled chaos, that feasts upon you until you just cant hold it in anymore. - Unknown.

I haven even lost him, and i already feel heartbroken O.o Why do my parents have to be such insufferable bastards, bent on my destruction.?

O__O

Trouble in Paradise

My parents have been keeping us from seeing each other and from talking very much, and its taking a toll. I guess i should have seen that coming, but i didnt. And holy shit, this hurts. We've been growing apart. Never having real conversations, we talk for like 30 minutes here, 30 minutes there. We aren't close anymore, and our relationships suffering for it. Its absolutely killing me. And then, he tells me that its gotten to the point that he's attracted to other girls again. Can you say, broken heart.? I cried another ocean or two, and then i stopped. I mean, its not like he's doing anything about the attraction. Its just, before no matter how cute a girl may have been, i always felt sure that he didn't think so, that he thought nothing of her. Now, not so much. ;c i am sososo afraid of whats happening to our relationship. I love him so much, and this is ruining everything we have together. I know that we can fix this, and im gonna put absolutely everything i have into doing so,. I dont know what i would do without him. :C We're growing apart, but were not falling out of love. We've got this.. :O