'I believe in myself because if a soul as pure and beautiful as he can love me and believe in me, then obviously i have more to offer the world then i first believed.,<3'
When i look at you, you make me want to be a better person. You make me want to love and trust and forgive. You make me want to let grudges go and make friends out of enemies. You make me want to put smiles on peoples faces. You make me want to bring as much happiness to other people as you bring to me. I love you BrendanTylerMaxwell<3 We have problems, things to fix, ALOT of things you need to work on, but in the end, nothing changes how i feel about you.
Does fear manifest differently person to person.? I really cant say. Fear manifests itself for me, as a pit of freezing cold dread. Like ice cold water flowing from my chest into my stomach, and it just fills my stomach and makes it impossible to breathe. It brings tears to my eyes, and unanswerable questions to my mind. It cripples me in a matter of seconds. What am i so afraid of.? Brendan. Im afraid of Brendan. Im afraid of him "losing his motivation" again, saying that im his burden again, that he's just single with restrictions, that he isnt having any fun anymore. It hasnt even been a week.
I had this dream last night. Me, Brendan, and all of our friends were at some party, and he was shirtless for some reason.? And dancing with a bunch of people, and completely ignoring me. When i asked him why, he said i wasnt fun enough for him anymore. That spending time with me wasnt fun and he wasnt happy with me anymore. I suppose this dream came from how scared i am of losing him like last time i grounded. Im absolutely terrified. :\
Ive never been so scared of anything in my life. I love him so much, i cant lose him again. I messed up, and i feel like shit about it. There will never be a time when i dont feel guilty and like the worst girlfriend in the world, and im gonna do whatever i can to keep him with me, but oh god, how im terrified. What if he leaves me again. What if he doesnt come back.
Pretending. Faking. Showboating. It all means the same thing. The more you pretend that your okay, the less okay you become. The more you smile, and play the submissive while secretly crying at night and checking your phone every five minutes for a call you know you arent getting, the more broken you become. The sickening thing is, you can hear yourself breaking inside. You can feel your pleasant facade cracking under pressure, your smile falling apart. You can feel yourself drifting farther and farther apart from the people you love most, the people who know you best. The people you need the most, the ones you cant live without. You become less yourself, more like an empty shell of your former self. And what saves you.? Love does, unless of course, its love that put you in this situation to begin with.
Tell me, if i had left you and made plans to go off with another guy, would you have forgiven me for it.? No, you wouldnt have. But i forgave you. And then when you left me AGAIN, and made plans to go sleep with another girl, i forgave you again. You crushed my heart, twice, and i forgave you, no questions asked. If i told you fuck you, fuck off, &go the fuck away, all the time, would you have gotten mad.? Yes, you would have. You wouldve been furious. I never got mad. I forgave you, and never gave you hell for it. Never held you accountable for it. If i told you all those horrible things, and made you feel like death warmed over, would you have automatically forgiven me for it.? I did that for you. I forgave you, without even putting up a fight. If i purposely did things that i Knew you were uncomfortable with and things that i Knew hurt you, would you have forgiven me for it.? Would you have let me get away with it.? Hell no, you wouldnt have. Youd have fought with me about it, you wouldve been angry at me, and i wouldve given in to make you happy. But i just let you get away with it. When people asked why i let you get away with so much, why i let you stay at other girls houses, go to parties and shit without me, when it hurt me and made me uncomfortable, i defended you. Told them they were wrong, stopped talking to them because they just didnt understand. Didnt understand that thats what you wanted, and i did whatever you wanted. When i was throwing my entire self into making our relationship work, and you were barely even paying attention, i made excuses for you. I blamed myself for your lack of interest, lack of motivation. I got skinnier, and tanner for you. Started eating healthier for you. Did whatever i thought would you make more interested, more attracted, more invested in making us work. Do you think it was easy.? Do you think it wasnt hard to forgive you for all of that.? You dont think i struggled with dealing with all of that.? You broke my heart, Twice. But i forgave you for everything, because i loved you and i was determined to make it work. No matter what you did to me, i loved you and thought the world of you. I stood by you through Everything. I was determined to stick it out, no matter what happened. I did everything i could to that affect.. And the really sick thing is, the entire time i was doing all of that and so much more for you.. I thought i was being selfish. I thought i was asking too much of you, that my expectations were too high and thats why i kept getting disappointed. I was absolutely convinced that it was all my fault. That i wasnt good enough, that i wasnt trying hard enough. Im not perfect, but oh, how i tried to be. I tried to be exactly what you wanted, and i did EVERYTHING for you. No other girl wouldve taken everything you dished out, wouldve forgiven you for all the shit you pulled, excused all the pain you caused. No other girl wouldve loved you enough to do so much for you, to try so hard to make you happy. Yet the moment things get tough, you run away. You walked away from me the moment things werent happy-go-lucky anymore. The first real, big mistake i made, you left me. Left me to deal with a citation, a courtdate, grounding all by myself. You broke my heart for the third time, because you dont know how to stick it out. You promised me forever, promised me we would get married one day.. Marriage vows- for worse or for better, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Marriage means being totally in love and happy to be together when things are great, and being totally in love and happy to be together when things are horrible too. It means wanting to be together through thick and thin, thats what love is. You cant love someone and magically not want to be with them anymore. I know you love me. I know your a great guy. And i know we could make it, if you would just stick it out. If you would just learn to love our relationship enough to stay when things get rough. If you wouldnt give up on me. On us.
In love there is sacrifice, but i should not have sacrificed SO much, while you sacrificed SO little. While you sacrificed nothing at all. I should have not have had to come second to your friends, and your drugs, and your partying. I gave up marching band for you, i gave up my spot on the debate team for you, i gave up friends for you, i gave up freedoms for you, and so much more, while you wouldnt even give up spending the night at girls houses for me. Something that you didnt truly care about, at all. My feelings should not have mattered less then whatever you wanted to do at that given moment. I should have been your number one, as you were always my number one. You should have given me so much more then you did the last three months. I deserved more, i deserved better. I never said a word though, because i believed it would be selfish. That asking you to change, would be asking too much. But it wasnt, and i shouldve demanded change. But instead, i accepted it. I dealt with feeling unimportant and secondbest, i took all the cussing and yelling, i kept the pain to myself. And i shouldnt have. I should have let you know how badly you were treating me, because you obviously werent going to realize it on your own. But i love you, and i know we can make it work. We could solve all of that, we could get through everything, if you just wanted me enough to do so. If you just wanted to be with me, even when things go wrong. Things happen in life, stuff goes wrong, you have to be able to stick it out when that happens. I love you so much. You can be SUCH an amazing guy, a wonderful friend, an absolutely perfect boyfriend. Before the feild thing, you were so amazing to me. We hardly ever fought, you took care of me, you always put me first, my feelings were always put first, you never took advantage of me or the things i did for you, you never treated me badly, you never wouldve left me or wanted anyone else. I know that guy is still in there. You just need to let him out again.
Promises, promises. You said you would never do this to me again, you would never hurt me like this again. You said you loved me and only wanted me. You said i was your world, that i was your everything,. Was that all lies.? It couldnt have been. I know you, theres no way all thats gone. It cant be..
You make me think of Emily. From everything you told me about her, you remind me of her. Its like the last three months, you turned into her and i turned into you. You treat me the way she treated you, you speak to me and cuss at me and yell at me the way she did to you, and i just take it because i love you, while it slowly breaks me down. Sometimes i think i should never have fallen in love but i know that isnt true. In all reality if given the choice, i would go back and do it all over again. But what i really really want, is a fresh start with you. A new beginning, to make things great with us again. Dont you want that.? Dont you want all the happiness we used to have, for things to be as wonderful as they used to be.? We can have that again. No, everything wont be exactly the same, but we can have that again. We can have that happiness, that trust, that kindof relationship. We can have it all again, if only your willing to try. Willing to stick it out, to be the amazing guy i fell in love with instead of this emotionless partyboy who only cares about what he wants. You were everything to me. You were my closest friend, the most important person in my life, the person who knew me best,. That didnt have to end, and it wouldnt have if you hadnt walked away. And now youve walked away from me again, but we can stil fix this. We can. There are times when i feel so pathetic and stupid, because i want you back so much, and you made me feel as if i was the last girl on Earth that you wanted to be with. I feel like im just making a fool out of myself by wanting to work things out and get back to what we had, but i know if i could just make you want to try as much as i do, things would be wonderful again. I know that we could have it all back, all the happiness and love and friendship and trust we shared. I know things would work out..Tell me love, what changed you.? I know it started after the feild thing, but thats not what actually changed you because if it was, i wouldve changed too. Feelings, motivation, all of that would have changed for me too. Something inside of you changed. So what changed.? What drove you to treat me so horribly and hurt me so badly, so many times.? What made you disregard my feelings and take advantage of all i did for you.? What showed you what words to say to destroy me so effectively.? What changed you from the amazing, caring, sweet boy i fell in love with into the cold emotionless individual who killed me.? Because, you didnt physically do anything, but you killed me just as surely as if you had put a loaded gun to my head and pulled the trigger.
After everything we have together, everything we shared, everything i did for you, how the HELL could you give up on us so easily.?Didnt it mean more to you then that.? What did i do to make you decide i wasnt worth it.? What did i do to make you not want to be with me.? Why am i not enough.?
